C5 SURVIVAL ADVICE From South America – Part 2 – SHARP and POINTY THINGS

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With your host, Category5

I will make this one easier on my readers. Less reading. More pictures.

It should be obvious why I am presenting this. There is nothing quite like a security feature that communicates to people “If you fall on these, it’s because you are depressed and decided to commit suicide”. Just a warning. This may or may not be illegal in Canada. It’s still an idea to store for a future date. I’ve actually had to improvise a primitive version of this before out of wood. We needed a quick, potentially lethal barrier to deter a schizophrenic that was off his medication and “On a mission from god to kill all you niggers”. It didn’t make sense to me either. I guess it has something to do with that some of my friends were Santeria or VooDoo practitioners. I suppose I should mention that I am theologically educated. I’ll save that epic story for another time. As I started to photograph these for you, I quickly began to see the artistry and individual touches of different Security artists. This quickly transformed into a photo documentary. Enjoy.

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This is a good place to start. Don’t be deceived. These flowers can kill you. It’s a nice way to hide the mankilling spikes underneath. This is your first lesson grasshoppers. Multiple layers of defence. Wall. Spikes. Impenetrable thorny flowers

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These are multi directional spikes. You would think this would be enough to deter any rational person but no.

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This house shows how the whole system works. A courtyard that allows you safe entry and exit from your house. Topped with spikes and the beginning of the thorny flowers. Then cameras. Then an alarm system.

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Here’s a different version. Courtyard. Spikes. Cameras. Electric wire over that and then open concept roof that acts as a safe yard to play in that protects you from the sun.

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Yes they are sharp and pointy and lethal but you start noticing the artistry

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It doesn’t have to look scary.

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If aliens came down and didn’t know just how fucked up humans are or how badly they treat each other, I’m sure they would think these were religious symbols. Star bursts or sun worship. Repeating patterns of multidirection symbolizing Spock’s infinite diversity in infinite direction. Acceptance of aliens, perhaps even prophesying their coming, pointing up to look to the skies. This would be a big cultural misunderstanding. We may be paranoid but we are paranoid for a damned good reason. It’s because people periodically go insane and will try to kill you. Paranoia is actually a Darwinian adaption. It doesn’t mean you can’t be artistic about it. Successful adaption means still being able to attract chicks.

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This is a successful breeding FAIL!

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Here’s why. Sure, he’s got everything to prove his Darwinian status. Multiple layers of defence. Wall, spikes, spotlights. Not only does this asshole have electric wire but that’s not good enough for him. He chose electrified barbed wire instead. Wow. So, what is the fail point? Easy. What woman wants to live in Stalig 13… unless she is into nazi uniforms, bondage and discipline prison porn fantasies. I suppose there is someone for everyone. Then again penthouses’s Wicked Wanda was … never mind. Inside voice C5. Inside voice. I can’t believe I am old enough to know who Wicked Wanda was. Yikes.

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Speaking of failure let me show you some that failed. You would think pointy spikes would stop people but no. Let’s talk about what makes it fail.

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This is a Security Fail.

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This is a Security Fail.

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So is this but let’s forget about this part.

The first fail point here is that there weren’t extra layers. The second fail point is that the spikes were too long so a person could use leverage to bend them. The third fail point is that a person was able to find footing to climb up to it. The fourth fail point is that they could find footing on top.

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Keep them short and reinforced. It only takes 3 inches to pierce a heart. There is a dirty limerick in there somewhere… never mind.

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Take away any place where a person can put a foot to get purchase.

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Any place where someone can place a foot, add a little spike there.

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If all that fails, add a snarling rabid, roof dog. I can’t believe I get to use roof dog in a sentence or that it actually is a thing. Did I mention I got vaccinated for rabies and tetanus before coming here. Now, I am qualified to B&E rood dog houses.

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This kindly church fence has spikes only pointing down to dissuade someone climbing. I guess a priest asked himself, “WWJIOASLAV”. That would be “Who would Jesus impale on a stake like a vampire”. It sort of goes against the mission of self-sacrifice for the poor.

Speaking of the poor. What do you when you can’t afford all this steel and welding.

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This is broken glass held in place with cement. Glass can be broken so it’s best to only use on ledges that someone would jump up to or…

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Add as one more layer to a more complete security system.

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You don’t have to look poor with a bit of creativity.

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Use your imagination and keep adding layers. Remember the survival rule, two is one and one is none. 6 is better.IMG_2640 c

Sure everyone wants one of these for the zombie apocalypse but it’s not very realistic and you quickly run out of gas.

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This is better.

That’s all I got. Stay tuned for a three part series on ass pain. Really



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