With your host, Freddy Forshadowing5
I promised you in my 1st post that I would show you things you had probably never seen before from other prepper “experts”. Hopefully I have already done that. Fear not. I haven’t shot my load already. This is just foreplay. I’m only going to rub it around the edges. I promise. (Crossed-fingers). I’ll be talking about two of these tricks in the final conclusion of Ass Pain – Episode III- Return of the Jedi Ass Pain. Like a responsible consenting adult, I’m just explaining what’s going to happen in case you need a safe word.
But before we get there, this month brought in over eleven hundred views. Not bad for a guy just out of the gate that doesn’t just tell people what they want to hear or just confirm people’s biases. I’ll leave that for the Rush Limbaugh’s, Yankee Prepper’s and other hypocrites of the world. Not bad for an iconoclast on the edges of the blogosphere.
Still, most of those views were repeat customers. So, if you like what you see, share me with your friends. Share me with your wife. Share me with your lover. Share me with your lover’s wife. Like one, big, inbread familly. Now, I’ll understand if you want to keep me your dirty little secret. Your proverbial back door man. I’m flattered, but you could buy me a beer first. This post hole is really only for Pros.
I’ve already lost of a few subscribers. I’m sure many first time viewers won’t come back. This is a good thing. I intended this. It means I did my job right. I intended to scare off those without a sense of humour. The political ideologues, the dangerous fundamentalists, the flag waving idolaters, the homophobes as well as the overly sensitive politically correct and the hopeful, happy idealists. The cowardly lions. This site is for Pros. At least pros that need an ocasional chuckle. The ones that will sit through almost anything, including me and my rambling diatribes, for one more trick that will give them an edge. The apocalyptic philosophers that want their ideas challenged to learn and look for any holes in their systems. In other words, us old guys that have been doing this for alot of years. Things trickle down to the newbies rather fast. I’ve already seen a few of my earlier positions go prepper mainstream. Its funny and surprising when I hear myself quoted. Six degrees of separation, the hundredth monkey and all that. No one really needs to know it was me that said it. All Truth goes through three phases. First, it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Then it is accepted as self evident.
These are just some cute tricks I discovered along the way. They are not strategies or logistics…or stratagies to improve your logistics. I´ll focus more on those once I get back to canada. Being down here in south america may only happen once so I will mainly be reporting what I see and learn.
On my, I’m so survivalist cool, evac training, cross town bike ride to the supplied and organised NGO office, it dawned on me that we only have one bike here… and I do love Mrs.C5… so it would be a short and boring life if I left her behind. This would not do. I need to make my cheap Chinese disposable bike carry a passenger as well as the packs. I knew exactly what to do.
It’s time to pull a big Jamaican spliff of adaption out of my pocket and get in touch with my inner Survival Rasta. Jah, Mon. Take a big hit of this. It’s nowhere near as potent as BC bud but a fantastic survival adaption that could only have been thought up while high. The Jamaican pannier shelf. I don’t know if it has an actual name so I’ve made this one up. Someday, I may rework my “Survival advice from Jamaica” series but not now. For those that don’t know, Jamaica had an economic collapse shortly after their independence from British rule, in the slow collapse of the British empire which sort of started with their loss of India and continues. It was all downhill from there. They have only survived by passing the colonial torch of empire to their wayward American colony and ended up riding on the bitch seat. You can learn more about the Jamaica collapse by tracking down the documentary “Life and debt”. It’s no longer on YouTube but here is the trailer.
Us staying in Kingston and being escorted to Trench Town by community elders was way more dangerous than here but I left feeling a deep kinship for the Jamaican People. There is a long, depressing, historical connection between Jamaica and Nova Scotia that I didn’t know before.
Back to the Jamaica shelf. It is made by taking a single board from a pallet and cutting a notch at either end so that it jams between the steering post and the seat post of a bicycle. This creates a stable flat shelf.
Usually a box, propane tank or a child can be carried here between one’s arms. Modifications can be made from there… like flattening out a slanted bar by adding a 2 x 4 near the back end or adding a seat. Its not very ergonomic as your legs will splay. But if you need to make a bike carry stuff on the fly……..and did I mention, its free and made from a pallet.
I made mine in about 2 hours of trial and error. Not my best work, but we tested it on a trip for the 2 of us because we wanted to check out an organic farmers market that was just beyond walking range. It held up fine. We found it worked best if she sat side-saddle with my arms around her. Very post-apocalyptic romantic.
I kept singing to her,
¨Daisy, Daisy. Give me your answer. Do. I’m half crazy, all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage. I can’t afford a carriage. But you will look sweet upon the seat of my bicycle built for two.¨
She could easily hop off wen we hit any uphill. I’ve added 2 upgrades since, that aren’t worth a photo. A cushion for Mrs.C5’s 50+ but still teenage tiny toushy which was pained in the process. Plus a couple of thin BMX style trick pegs for the front wheel so when we were speeding down hills, she could mount it properly and not have to hold her legs in the air. If we crashed I didn’t want her going over backwards directly on her head. Did I mention short and boring life.
I suppose I should talk about the tools I now travel with to foreign countries. They are the ones up top of the page. I learned this in Jamaica where there were plenty of things for me to fix but only a lousy multi tool. I am not a big fan of multi tools. Ten tools that don’t do the job of one. The only thing I have used so far on this trip is the can opener for making an alcohol stove. Another time. These are overpriced and you can do better for the cost. If I could only choose 3 tools for size constraints, it would be the sturdy, stubby, multy head screw driver with repacable bits, mini-vice grips and the inoffensive looking, small, full tang knife. I was able to make the Jamaica shelf because of the folding Gom-boy saw. I was caught short this trip, without the hex keys and the bike pump. Lesson learned. I’ll also add some hacksaw blades next trip with a bit of tape for a handle, some binding wire and a collection of assorted Robertson’s screws. The world’s best screws… made only in Canada. Americans hate them because every time they get a crate from Canada they have to break it open with a pry bar. They dont have Robertson screw drivers. Let go of your Johnson and grab a Robertson. So not to make the Americans feel inadequate… as they have a tendency to bomb shit when this happens, you did invent the Bic lighter. A far superior lighter. I try to always keep two in my pocket.
Ah heck, I will throw in a bonus survival quick tip. Many a time, I have lit smokes with an empty Bic which always dies right when I am in the middle of nowhere. Mischievous Murphy. I usually dip some paper in my motorcycle tank and spark it with the bic. Sometimes this looks impressive to the girl with me. Woosh! Sometimes I come out of the bush with a patch of beard gone or missing an eyebrow. When my Bics are empty, I toss them in a bucket we have with Mrs.C5’s free matches from travels. They are just held for total apocalypse backups. It’s because the Bics flints are still good. We store gas for emergencies. About 200 liters. This is cheap prepping because we are going to use it anyhow. We have developed the discipline of rotating it into our vehicles every 6 months to keep it fresh. Gas will breakdown after about 2 years. (A major flaw in the Road Warrior movies. Not to mention, where the hell are they getting their tires.) You do not want to put old gas in any engine. But since you need to rescue old small engines occasionally, sometimes you get stuck with old gas that isn’t very useful. This can go into recycled glass jars. An empty bic lighter and a tiny jelly jar of old gas is a lot of lighter. At least until the flint wears out.
Now for the t-shirt… of the apocalypse. It is a running joke. I do enjoy adding… of the apocalypse, at the end of any sentence or some similar colloquialism. Feminine hygiene products… of the apocalypse. The tactical tampon. The shit hits the fan, tactical corset. Isn’t that what a tack vest is. At least I am past the tactical turtleneck phase. This is a hold over from the 80s ninja craze where everything had “the secret Ninja” at the front and “of death” at the end. The secret Ninja panties… of death. Any time you see Tactical, SHTF or Bug Out as the add on words to any object or subject, just think to yourself, “Survivalist drag queen…”. It’s not lost on me that the next photos are survivalist drag queen shots. I’m coming out of the closet… metaphorically speaking… as a recovering survivalist drag queen. I am 50+ now so have less need for OPSEC. You can add OPSEC to the list of survival drag queen buzzwords. We used the tactical t-shirt briefly in the next episode. It serves the same purpose as a tinfoil hat. Okay, it’s nothing like a tinfoil hat other than you wear it on your head. Instead of protecting you from secret government/alien mind waves from MK Ultra, it protects you from sun, bugs, cold, dust, cameras and intrusive government police agencies. Okay, maybe it is like a tinfoil hat after all.
And it’s free. Most of you have at least one in a drawer. You are probably wearing one now. It’s EDC or everyday carry. Another survivalist drag queen buzzword. It does what a Shemogh does. If you own a shemogh, congratulations, you might just be a Survivalist Drag Queen… that likes fashion accessories.
Fashionable, grossly overpriced tubes of printed stretchy cloth are being sold in most sporting stores nowadays and do the same thing. They come in fashionable prints, from Real Tree camo to pastel flowers. It’s basically like wearing an 80s leg warming on your head. Save the money and buy a sack of wheat instead. As I said your t-shirt is free, you’re wearing it at the moment and have plenty of spares.
The Pharo ……of the apocalypse
(I use this alot in the garden in the spring when the deer flies and hoarse flies come out which attack you in the back of the head. I hate bug mesh. Its too claustrophobic. The open neck allows heat to be released from your body. We went so far as to buy some second hand kids T-shirts of really thin material at a second hand store. A bit tighter fit on the head)
The Jedi / Niqab …….of doooom
( This one works better once the Miskitos show up to drive you nuts. When we did our interior trip to Machu Pichu, there was this cute hippy chic wearing one of these in an almost camo print. It was quite stylish. Im probably the only person that immediately knew it was a T-shirt)
The Poor Mans Secret Ninja ……..of death
( I’ve actually had to use this three times in my life. I had to quickly strip down a couple layers to get at it because news crews or police were filming every one. I wasnt doing anything questionable. I’m just a curious type…. and that curiosity has allowed me to report, first hand, gross abuses by the police that the gen pop will never know happened… by observing from the other side of the law. One of these events, I managed to save one life and possibly a second as well as saving a poverty aid station from damage and doing some high flying Chuck Norris shit I would never be able to pull off nowdays. In retrospect, it was the best day of my life and one of the few times I could say to myself that I was the good man my dog thinks I am. I have far too few of those. )
The Mercenary Douchebag Dust Mask …..enough said.
In the rough quoted words of Riddick, ¨Do you know what I like about Mercs. I dont have to feel guilty about anything I do to them¨.
We´ll talk about that subject some far off time when we discuss the History of the Survivalist movement and the Prepper movement that came after that tried to separate themselves from the excesses of the douchebag survivalists until the same DBs incorporated the name…and runed it. Its why a lot of non douches dont want to prep or prepair, in spite of seeing the dangers ahead. It will explain to the newbies why preppers do the things they do, the way they do it, without questioning the why. It will also explain why people who claim to be all about survival do the exact opposite of what reasonable, thoughtful people would do to stay alive. Bad Roll Models.