Return To The Dark Green Mountain- The Naked Truth

Hello. This is Category5. You and I need to talk.

We need to discus our relationship.


But before we get there…


(Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap! I was just saved by the chainsaw pants. The exact reason to wear them. A cut across the thigh. The big one everyone fears. Strait out of Into The Forrest.

Well, MrsC5 still has a husband. And You don’t have to wonder why there were no more articles. Enjoy them while you can.

I do the dangerous jobs in our relationship. It would have sucked to bleed out alone though, with MrsC5 not here.

I think I am drinking tonight. Sooooo….. NEVER TOUCH YOUR CHAINSAW WITHOUT SAFETY EQUIPMENT!!!!!. I think I am going to Up Armor my chainsaw pants by bolting on some plastic hockey plates.

I have a list of Top Ways I Wish To Die. #1- Plane Crash. I find this interesting. #2- Knife Fight with a Bear. #3- Charging an overwhelming force, last stand, armed with my samurai sword, buck naked… with an Erection.

….With Ministry blasting on the speakers.

Etc. Note to self. Get some Viagra because it might be hard to perform under pressure….

Chainsaw accident is on the list of ways I don’t want to die. Now, onto the C5 Survival Circus  Side Show)





I’m getting naked this week in front of a group of strangers…and a few friends.

I’ll be baring it all for a life drawing class. C5s Survivalism Exposed. People want to see the Prepper Penis. Oh the things I do for art…and 50 bucks. Good thing I am comfortable with my aging bod. It wont be the first time I have been naked for art. This time will be different though. I’m not used to people examining me so thoroughly.

As long as I don’t rise to the occasion.      Awkward!

I write pretty slow so Ill get get back to you on how it went before the end of the article. Ya rolls the dice an takes yer chances.

Public Nakedness seems to be the theme of this weeks post. Full Disclosure…or exposure. Once again, the gods seem to have a sense of humor in their timing and I am the brut or butt of a joke. People might not like to admit it but there is a heavy duty Luck factor to survival. I am a very lucky man.

Its just that 95% of that luck has been bad. Really bad. We are going to talk about the other 5%. Hold that thought for a bit.


Before I left Peru I told you folks that I would would be showing you our farm soon. I had a plan, while I was still on the plane. I made a plan to walk the the property and show you folks the food that was waiting for our return…even though we had not been around or done anything too it for a year. Not weeds and shit. Not the things you find in those near useless survival manuals. I wanted to make a point about permaculture perennials, self reinforcing food systems and a technique I call Divine Neglect.  Then we returned to chaos here and you fine strangers went to the bottom of the list of our priorities.

Now I have a bit of time again. MrsC5 is already down in Barbados. I will be joining her within the month and hopefully a new series, Survival Advice From The Caribbean, will begin. Now I have time to get back to what I originally wanted to chat about.

This is our place.view 1 docTop of the prop.view 2 docAnd some of this. To the right.view 3 docAnd a big ol chunk o this. To the left

Its excessive.  This is sort of the opposite of Mythos and Logos property which we will show you soon.

110 acres. 1 third field. 1 third forest. I third encroachment. Paid for.

We will be poor forever because of it… but poor with land is totally different than poor without land.

But this swings us back to Public Nakedness.

Full disclosure. I often refer to this as The Farm and this makes me feel disingenuous. Its not a farm. Not really. Its a house on what used to be farm land. Saying farm gives the wrong impression. It also gives the impression that we are farmers. Not so much. We do grow some stuff and we even sell a bit of it….but farming seems the wrong word and it gives us more credit than we are due, especially in the knowledge authority category. Farming is a specialized trade. That is not what we are doing. A better title for the property would be…..Mr and Mrs C5s Post Apocalyptic Small Country.

And that gets to the next BIG public nakedness. Full disclosure/exposure. There is a reason I am telling you this and it is not for me. Its for you.

Remember when I said, Luck plays a big part of survival? This is my 5% of luck. I’m not responsible for this land I live on. I did not work to pay for this. I was brought into this arrangement. MrsC5 is responsible for this or, to be even more exposed and honest, her father is responsible for this. Half was purchased from an inheritance and half was purchased from MrsC5s hard work, but from a decent wage because of the education provided to her. My only education comes from Hard Luck and Bad News.

MrsC5 comes from the upper middle class,

Where as I come from Hell.

How the two of us ended up together is a story for another time….but there is a reason I am laying myself bare here, risking disapproval or disrespect. I find myself here by luck… and luck is not a good survival strategy. Stick with me here. I could have kept this hidden from you… but Ive known I have had to share this since I first showed this place back in my old Youtube days which, luckily, almost none of you will have seen.  A young prepper replied, “Nice property. I want to do what you are doing. Honestly, can you give me a ballpark of how many years I would have to work for to pay for a property like that”.

And my heart sunk to the floor.

If this young man was looking to me as an authority and was making this plan, I knew he would destroy his life… and it would be my fault. I needed to explain to him, if he was just facing this now, he would have to set his sites lower. ALOT lower.

A huge and long mortgage… in this economy… at this stage of the collapse, at the end of the empire, would quite literally be a death sentence. One job loss, one over leverage, one bad choice or break up and its all gone. The time of job security is over…and it was a short term mirage anyhow based on a false quicksand of oil energy, war, dept, fraud, theft and expansion.


It cant come back. Every day from here on in is kicking the can down the road till the day it cant be kicked any further.

Even with MrsC5s advantages, there was another HUGE piece of luck involved. BAD LUCK for the previous owner who lost the multi generational family farm and was forced by the bank to sell it for very little of its actual worth. He died soon after. Its the only reason MrsC5 could afford it and the reason you wont find me “Farming” any time soon. When people asked me what I was going to farm, I replied,” No!……..No No!……..No No No! If I was going to do that, I would just invite a banker over, sign the property over to him…and save myself a decade of ball busting hard work, stress and eventually heart ache. That is not what we are doing.”

Luck timing, once again. This came out last week….and it got around everywhere. Just incase you missed it, Read it. There is context here.

Did you read it?…or just blast past, basically saying, Fuck You C5. I need to get this over so I can get back to my smartphone and my Hotpocket is getting cold.

Soooo….Do you think I feel bad about this change of fortune. Oh hell no. I certainly earned and am earning my place here… and I did come with “a special set of skills” that MrsC5 knew she needed. And there is a level of hardship and endurance to live here. That, and on a more cosmic scale, considering the other 95% of my luck, its hard to get all weepy and moralizing about this last 5% near the end of my life.

Not a band I like much but this song sums it up. I’m going all DJ-C5 this episode.

A joke I tell about me and MrsC5 getting together is, “You had me at 110 acre”.

She had bought herself a Survivalist, Prepper and an Adapter.

That, and I am one of the few people crazy enough to actually live here. I did once have my own survival system based on what I could afford. It was based on Squatting, Guerilla Gardening, Forage, Salvage and Mobility.

This is better.

With that said, Its time fore me to share those skills…with you and for you.

(Holy crap. I just looked up and its 4:30 AM. I was guessing it was about midnight and about time for bed before continuing. I must have been the the artist zone. I guess I might as well keep pushing through until I let the chickens out at dawn and feed the animals before I crash. My loss, your gain)

So. What do I mean by the Divine Neglect technique and what food was waiting for me when I showed up near halloween, in canada after a year of no tending,

To start with, Hundreds of pounds of grapes. A shitload.grapes 1 docThis isn’t total neglect. I simply directed the vines to climb stuff…and just let them go.

I learned this from another area where I was sending them up some some invasive choke cherry trees I did not want that were out competing some old apple trees. I used the grapes  to climb and choke out the sunlight to the trees leaves. I just pointed them where I wanted them to go by wrapping the suckers around what I want dead and I cut or yank out the ones trying to get up the apple trees.grapes 2 docMore. What I am showing you here is effective use of Breeder Trash. I collect thrown out children swing sets and bad investments like that trend of swinging porch seats. Useful garbage I find on the side of the road from the last days of the spending spree of, pre- 2005, peak oil, cheap chinese goods. Wood rots fast. These will last longer. I then used another common garbage I often find. Clothesline. Metal wire covered in plastic, That is run back and forth over the top. Perfect for the vines to wrap around and it makes it easy to pick by going underneath. I also use this line as free fence wire, BTW. Alot of this is chucked because the Light Greens (Ill cover that near the end) got all enviro fad but discovered it meant work and inconvenience…so they went back to dryers… now wanting Tax Dollar supported, solar and wind power. A mega waistfull expense… when the problem can be solved by a piece of string and lower expectations.  This is why I am a Dark Green and have no hope for humanity.raspberry 1 docWhat is this ever expanding mass? You might not know that it is a weed. Its these.raspberry 2 doc

This is a fall bearing raspberry. It keeps producing long after the early frosts. No shit. And it keeps expanding. All I do is cut it all down every 3-4 years so it doesn’t get woody and stop producing. Now, this and the grapes is just alot of water and if I wanted to store it, I would have to fire the stove way early to do this. Its strait out of the BC costal First Nations, food storage play book. It does take some practice though. Collect old cooky trays. The first nations didn’t have our accumulation of scrap metal. So They did it on cedar planks.

raspberry fruit leather2

Or just improvise a rack sort of like this one I used in the greenhouse earlier in the year…but put it above your stove instead. Oh ya. I also collect window screens. Wash well. Only use the metal ones with stove heat. More breeder trash. Those are baby crib sides.

apple doc

And, of course we have no shortage of apples….but you all know what apple trees look like so why waste photo space….but here is some thoughts on apples. They grow like weeds here in NS. The dear spread them. Good news. If you purchase an old farm, they probably planted apples on the property somewhere. You just have to find them and cut away competing trees.

Here is some double good news.

C5 Says- You are going to be finding a mass glut of massively cheap small farms very soon. So have your cash ready. Most of the old farmers are in there 70s or older. They are all going to sell or die at once. There kids don’t want to farm…and it would be stupid to do so anyhow. You cant compete with Big Ag. They wont want the small farms either. Perfect for Adapters. especially if they are somewhat over grown. Apples attract dear,…while they last. Also, farmland is generally very low tax on purpose. We pay only a couple hundred dollars a year. The small house on one acre, near by, pays well over a thousand. That is a survival tip. Take heed.

Here is another apple tree trip for preppers and Adapters. I often find these, 1 to 3 ft, stunted apple trees. They may actually be decades old. Its just that the Dear keep nibbling the tops for fresh greens…so they never make it above dear height. If you find one of these (or are planting your own trees) put an improvised temporary stick fence around it so the dear go elsewhere, til’ it gets above their heads.

I was chatting with Mythos, the other day, about this. He pointed out the whole Johnny Appleseed story was an act of colonial expansionism. The invaders couldn’t get too far past the apple trees or they would die of scurvy and malnutrition.  So, people planted them as they went. Thus, you find apple trees in the most unlikely of places, even if they are being choked out by taller trees. Mythos also pointed out, the reason he focuses on grapes over fruit trees is that you will have grapes in a few years, while apples are an investment in future generations.

Take heed again. I added, “if you find one, cut everything back around it, because a previous generation put it there so YOU would not…Die…. of starvation”.

Aw, Crap. I want to spin this off into a story of how Neo Paganism saved my life during the first years of PTSD. It was just a phase but very educational. The God and Goddess in balance and how trees are actually competing carnivores….. but the post is already too long…. Another time.

Double crap. I just cant help myself. I used to go to these two large trees for solace and education. Two giant maple trees holding their own in a forest of coniferous or carnivorous trees. The T-Rex of the tree world that kill and eat the trees around it. The two maples held their ground, back to back, against these monsters. One shaded to the left. One to the right. I put a little rock temple there as thanks. They were representations of the god and the goddess in balance. There is an allegory about politics in there as well.


The next is Jerusalem Artichokes, or better named, Sunchokes. Its not an artichoke. This is Oldschool Survivalism.

I was first taught about this in my early 20s buy a Baptist Minister…that was also a survivalist. He was the one to teach me about the dangers of Christian Reconstructionists in the survivalist world. He did not want to teach me anything if it was just an inroad into a fucking psycho dangerous form of Christianity. Vanilla ISSIS. His own brother had threatened to kill him for rejecting it it. His own family cast him out for becoming a moderate Baptist.

Quick joke. Why don’t Baptists have sex, standing up? Because it might break out into Dancing. Buduptup.

MrsC5 does them as pickles. Sunchokes. Not baptists.  Germans like them. Its a European thang that never got embraced in white amerika though, like potatoes in south america, it first came from this continent. I think they taste like dirt. And they give you wicked, painful gas if you are not used to them…. but it is a self perpetuating, store-able root vegetable . Too Self perpetuating. Don’t plant this in your garden.

sunchoke doc

Don’t do this. DO NOT DO THIS! I have no idea what I was thinking. I already had a large grove of it. Two is One thinking, I guess. I decided to migrate some to the back part of the garden. Now I have to build an impenetrable mulch wall to keep them contained. I tried to dig them out. Even the pigs were at them. Yet, here they are… as raider proof, guerilla garden, root vegetables that cant be killed. Just do it in a back 40 place somewhere.

Other than that, some broccoli was growing in the greenhouse along the edges where they could find moisture. I had hung some seedpods to dry and they escaped. Broccoli is the easiest of the brasicas to get seed from. I have had no luck getting seed from cabbage or cauliflower in this cold climate. I’ll keep trying new tricks. Same with carrots. These are all bi annuals. That means they produce seed the second year. That means keeping them alive through a winter. A very good reason to live your survival plan NOW. Not when…The theoretical Shit Hits The Fan. I had counted on carrots. I’m not getting carrot seed unless I can figure out what I am doing wrong. Carrot seeds only store for two or three years. I have MANY years of FAIL attempts in. Broccoli I have down as I can get the seed in the fall. Good news. The leaves, roots and stocks are also edible. Pretty much the whole plant. Not just the consumer friendly heads.

Lets call it quits.  You get the idea.

Self Reinforcing Perennials.

No raider can take this from me. I can run…and come back to it latter. I can be away for a few years and come back….taking vengeance on who I find…at my own speed and in my own time. No hurry.

Even our asshole Undercaretaker can’t get me down. Food is still waiting inspite of any lost food storage.

And it is not the only perennials in play. Just the ones there were when we showed up back to Mr & Mrs C5s doomstead land. A bunch more show up at different times of year.

But lets keep it balanced… in the God and the Goddess in perfect balance, random theme..

The Most important thing you can be doing at this point in history is FOOD PRODUCTION.

But even more important than Food production, is Food storage. Its easy to do now. Which is why I keep harking on it.

If you lose your crop due to a super storm, due to Malthusian growth and crash denial, you still have food while you adapt. If you lose your food storage, you are still bringing crops in…and stacking it high into food storage for the next round of Trickster, Chaos gods in play.

The Lord and The Lady in perfect balance.

So, I’m not all that and a bag of chips. I survive because of MrsC5.

She cant live here without ME.

The Lord and The Lady in balance.


Now for that whole Dark Green Mountain Thang.

You probably noticed, its not a mountain. I come from the Rocky Mountains. This is more of a speed bump yet the locals call it a mountain…but I dont have to worry about flooding of polluted runoff.

The name I chose comes from an article called, “What Type Of Green Are You?”. Not mine and I cant find it. No need to look for it. Basically, It divided environmentalists into four categories.

Most are Light Greens. They are easy to poke fun of…and they generally bug me. They change their light bulbs, Buy the products with green labels and maybe someday they will own a Prius. They might vote fore someone that promises more Greeny Niceness. If they are really radical (cough) they might go vegetarian and buy products from the health food store. They might go to protests. No real life change necessary to save the planet.  These folks PISS ME OFF. They are dangerous. Not in a paranoid, the lefties are coming to put you in FEMA camps, right wing fantasy foolishness. As I have said before, How much of a COWARDLY piece of shit do you need to be, to be afraid of ineffectual pacifist hippies. Grow a pair. They are dangerous…because they are an inoculation against any real change.

Next are the Bright Greens. These are the Techno Utopians. Give us free Solar Panels, Wind  Towers, Electric Cars and technical innovation so we can break our bonds and sail off into the StarTrec future. Same life of exponential growth, a roaring economy, and driving to the new and improved, Light Greenwashed Walmart where they grow all their veggies in vertical hydroponic towers on top of the store. When you tell them, “We are broke, The necessary resources got used up by the previous generation and The Credit Card is maxed”, They stick their fingers in their ears, go, NA NA NA NA, I’m not listening. I’m visualizing driving a new Tesla Hummer with my robot girlfriend blowing me while I’m driving with her finger way up there massaging my prostate. JUUSSST ALLITTLE LOOOONGER…..til I BLAST….into the new frontier…..

These folks need a lesson in E.R.O.E.I. as in, Energy Return On Energy Investment. As in, You don’t get enough . As in, Not Enough to keep this society running…which only runs on excess abundant energy. Certainly not enough for a growing population that all want to live like its the 60s again.

True story. MrsC5 and myself were lying in bed in Lima Peru, watching one of the new StarTrec movies. Just as we were watching some super utopian space station filled with millions of people, MrsC5 got Maudlin and introspective. She turned it off and said, ” Its just really hitting me that we aren’t going there. Humanity will never make it there. I knew but…” and she drifted away into dark thoughts and sunken eyes. I thought to myself, “Good girl. Embrace that. Just let that sink down deep inside. Acceptance. You got to hit rock bottom before you can look up”.

Then their are the smaller number of Deep Greens. The ones with BALLS. I like balls.

These are the Earth First, Greenpeace, Sea Shepard, Derrick Jenson, monkey wrenching, tree spiking,  types. Sabotage. We get the word from early industrial workers that would take off a wooden clog and stick it in the machine to break it. They learned quick that it was a death machine and no life to live keeping the machine working… so the only rational answer is to blow the piece of shit up. Duh.

Great song…..

And the modern version with their youthful enthusiasm, Environmental Anarchists and to a  lesser extent, ANTIFA, which has been getting alot of press lately, one punch at a time. Making racists scared again. Gotta luv em. I’m glad someone recently turned me onto this song.



But lets jump straight to over to the Smallest Group. The group I share a name with.

The Dark Greens

I am a Dark Green….and this gets me no respect from the other greenies.

I just bumped it over from the Deep Greens without fan fair, because……You find alot of Burnt Out Deep Greens that would eventually go Dark Green. Ones like MrsC5, who after 20 or 30 years of political activism and educating people by her Sociology Professor standing, looked back and realizing she had accomplished absolutely nothing. In fact, the world is far worse now…and will be even worse tomorrow. Now she is with one of the Darkest of the Dark Greens. Me.

Dark Greens are the ones that say,…

“Build Your Lifeboats”       or

“Save as many as you can”

The clear acknowledgement that we are going through this three pronged collapse (environment, energy and economy) no matter how many carbon credits we have accumulated.

I bypassed the whole Deep Green thang, seeing it as an exercise in futility. A waste of essential resources, to place myself better. I stopped trying to save the world. The world doesn’t want to be saved. And the Morlocks have all the money, media, politicians and Mercenaries to overcome opposition.    That means we are going to ride this roller coaster to the end.

The only way out is though.

The best I could do is PREPARE. Prepare and ADAPT.

This is where Greenies went Full Survivalist.

Tune In. Turn Off. Drop Out….and Arm Up.

Just stay out of the way of the giant wobbling DEATH MACHINE we call modern civilization. Live as if it is the Apocalypse Now…because It Is. As pointed out, I guess I have Cognitive Dissonance Inability Syndrome. I look for the holes in the cage as escape routs. The glitches in the Matrix. The untilled soil to plant and the food being wasted. The places and lifestyles the authorities aren’t paying too much attention to. The places I will make my stand. The place to build my Lifeboat against the storm.  Hoping that it hits Fast Enough and Hard Enough and Deep Enough…that some will be saved.

That makes me an Optimist.


As Dmitri Orlov once said at The Long Now Foundation,

“So that’s what we have now. The ship is on the rocks, water is rising, and the captain is shouting “Full steam ahead! We are sailing to  Afghanistan!” Do you listen to Ahab up on the bridge, or do you desert your post in the engine room and go help deploy the lifeboats?… What is crashing now is our life support system: all the systems and institutions that are keeping us alive. And so I don’t recommend passively standing around and watching the show unless you happen to have a death wish.”


And now, about that, “We need to talk about our relationship” thing….

This relationship isn’t working for me.

Its not you. Its me……(cough)

Trying to do a weekly post means I’m giving quantity over quality. That is not going to work. I really do have other shit to do.

That means, I’m only going to do posts at my own speed in my own time.

I understand if you want to see other people.

If you want this relationship to continue, I cant be your 2AM booty call.

You have to introduce me to your friends and family. You have to put some effort into this relationship. And I need to see some Something Something for my efforts. So, I guess its time to reach out to a larger audience. That means I need your help to spread this site around to other boards and contacts. As I said once before, Share me with your friends. Share me with your wife. Share me with your lover. Share me with your lovers wife. Without the next bump up in readership, I am sort of spinning my wheels here.

Full naked exposure. I’m clearly not doing this for the money. I’m not a prostitute like the other pop prepper sites, constantly spreading fear porn.  The Grand Total in the tip jar has been  92$ for 32 quality posts than I know you folks like. Someone pointed out to me that people are reading me, not for the survival advice…but because they like my writing style. He said, “some people like reading Jack Kerouac. Others prefer Keats. Some people prefer reading C5″. Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. Another said, ” You talk about such dark things and yet I find myself laughing hysterically at how you present it”. I’m flattered. Just don’t point at my nakedness while laughing……

Also, I noticed something while looking at the stats. Occasionally a new person stumbles in and after reading one post….they go back and read almost everything I wrote. I know this by a long line of ones. This is hugely flattering. Welcome.



So… I got naked in public. I got a chuckle from everyone when I said, “Hi. My wife sent me here”. At first, I thought to myself, this is the easiest 50$ I have ever made. Then I found out, staying perfectly still for 15 minutes in a pose is actually quite painful. That, and as the room got colder and shrinkage became a factor, embarrassingly, I was glad it was life drawing and not a photo documentation for posterity. The good news is that I can now bug MrsC5 by calling her my Post Apocalyptic She-Pimp.

This is how MrsC5 first found me. Me and my old bus and survival system, near squatting on someones old farm, on the west coast.

exposed docSurvivalism exposed. Far from perfect, but naked, rational, Adaption.

Be warned.

When I get around to talking about my experience of Nomadic Survivalism (the good parts and the really, really bad)… Its going  to start with a supersized full frontal.



(Thanks, BS for the donation. WOW. I wasn’t expecting that. And also to you, JD. Also, a special welcome to those coming in from RiseUp. You folks must have awesome internet security because the stats were really confusing)

If you enjoyed this article or learned something new, please give a Tip by going to the top of the page and visiting ¨Giving Just The Tip¨. All Tips go towards building material costs for future Experiments, here at the Dark Green Mountain Survival RESEARCH Centre. Its for the Research part. Thanks.